jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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