She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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