i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
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ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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