Umm I'm too high to move.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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