We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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