wrigley field is MILF paradise
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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