I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
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I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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