I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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