I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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