Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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