I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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