Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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