I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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