my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
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There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize