the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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