I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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