Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
third nipple confirmed
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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