yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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