Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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