My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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