woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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