I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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