u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
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Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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