I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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