we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think I have vodka in my lungs
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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