she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
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Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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