sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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