It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
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