His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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