I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
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well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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