I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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