I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
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And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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