Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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