The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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