Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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