it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize