Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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