So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize