She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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