john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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