matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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