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how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
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