i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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