god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
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I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
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I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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