He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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