I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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