A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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