And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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