There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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