Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
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You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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